The Annual Oracle

2010 in review and predictions for 2011

I must admit, I unplugged myself from the news for a chunk of this year so I got a lot of it third hand and still didn’t pay much attention. Here’s what happened in the world this year through the eyes of someone with DADD (deliberate attention disengagement disorder.)

The Gulf Oil Spill caused stock in Dawn dish detergent to skyrocket.

Lassie alerted the media that some miners were stuck in a hole.

Those of us who went through school bullying were told to be aware that there was such a thing as school bullying. Scientists did not manage to create cajone implants for kids so they started dropping like flies every time someone wrote something mean about them on Facebook.

Although I haven’t flown for years, I managed to get on three planes this year. Despite public claims of certain acts, TSA still refused to grope me. My self esteem plummeted. (Screw the peanuts… give me a reacharound!)

Massachusetts elected a republican. People freaked out. The republican turned out to be a RINO. People breathed again.

I slaughtered a ton of zombies and my headshot stats rose incrementally.

Someone created an app that removes all references of that irritating Justin Bieber kid from a computer.

Oprah announced, to my delight, that she was ending that preposterous Queen for a Day show. I rejoiced. Oprah announced, to my irritation, that she was starting a whole Oprah Network. I decided that so long as we have to pay to watch it, I’m safe for now.

Someone lost a mobile home and still there are no warning labels on the things telling people not to buy them if they live in Kansas.

Healthcare reform happened in theory but I still can’t get in to see a doctor.

God finally fired George Steinbrenner.

And now, here are my predictions for 2011:

They won’t figure out a way for me to have affordable healthcare insurance but they will find a way to charge me for not having any.

Someone will write something idiotic on my Facebook page and I’ll get over it. I will receive no media coverage for this.


The New England Patriots will win the Super Bowl and either Wes Welker or Brandon Merriweather will send me a jersey. Ok, the second bit is just wishful thinking.

It will snow in New England so much that people will get sick of brushing their vehicle roofs and drive around sporting snowhawks.

A fat, pampered groundhog will be startled by 75 camera flashes and dive back for the safety of his hole, leading us to believe we’re all in for 6 more weeks of winter, which will be true through no predictatory skills of the oversized rodent.

People will whimper and whine about a lot of stuff our forefathers wouldn’t have batted an eye at, but there will still be dancing.

Someone will lose a mobile home.

Mayan fans will start stockpiling things and building shelters for 2012. Scientists will fuel the people’s paranoia by announcing impending planetary alignment events, then snicker all the way back to the lab.

Orange County will secede from the state of California. Nobody will notice.

Someone at UbiSoft or CapCom will finally recognize the fact that old people like to play video games, too, and they’ll slow the zombies right the heck down and make you think your way out of situations. They’ll rake in bucks that Halo only hinted at.

Someone will recognize the fact that I’m oddly brilliant, set me up in a beach house, and pay me to finish some of these almost finished books that are hogging up all this space on my laptop. Ok, the jersey thing is more probable. I, however, believe that anything is possible, just not necessarily likely.

Lily Robertson, who can't predict what will happen in her own house in the next ten minutes, can be ignored like Cassandra at canopicjargon@gmail.com, on Facebook, or right here on in this comment box.