LA is a great big Freeway... to Hell!

I ran a red light yesterday. I haven't done this since 1988 when the brakes went out on my VW bug at an intersection. I'm that person you trust to drive a bus full of infants who aren't even buckled in. And yet, yesterday, i blew a light. It wasn't my fault.

Oh yeah, i saw the damn thing. I just couldn't believe what i was seeing. I'd taken a freeway onramp and was about five feet from the actual freeway, when all of a sudden there was a freaking stop light. I remember looking at it and thinking, "Stop light? That can't be a stop light. Nobody in their right mind would put a stop light in a place like this. It's got to be some kind of sick joke." I thought those things as i drove past it, having already accelerated to highway merging speed. Then i saw the truck behind me actually stop at the blasted thing. Crap! They meant it! What kind of moron would put a red light in a place where people have just floored the gas pedal like they're supposed to?! WTF, David Blaine!

In the course of loudly extolling my expressions of horror and disbelief, i missed my exit. This helped my mood enormously when i discovered, about fifteen minutes later, that i'd run out of freeway and arrived in some random coastal town. My sense of LA geography is still pretty hit and miss, but i was pretty sure this was not the Long Beach i'd been aiming myself at. So, i promptly did a second illegal thing. I called a friend who'd lived here on my cell phone that doesn't have a headset, and panicked in his ear for a few minutes. Thank heavens i did. He not only knew i'd wandered into Newport Beach, but further, if i'd backtracked and followed the rest of the directions properly, i would have taken the 405 to San Diego. Now San Diego is a charming place, but it's also about an hour south of where i wanted to be. Eventually he straightened me out and got me pointed in the right direction.

But back to that light. I firmly believe that had i been pulled over for blowing it, i could have contested it in court. In that the law is firmly based in the actions of a "reasonable person", no judge could have convicted me for running the blasted thing. "I'm sorry, your honor, but no reasonable person would put a stop light there. It's a sure fire way to create a five out of state plate vehicle pile up."

Then again, this is Los Angeles. The judge may have been insane as well and popped me for it.

I have a particular horror of LA freeways. They do things down here like putting stop signs five feet into an offramp. They have these commuter lanes set up down here that would be great, but they don't tell you that once you've gotten in one, ten feet later a three foot wall will be shoved up through the road and if you wanted to get off a couple exits later, you're screwed. You are now obligated to drive in that lane until it winds down somewhere in the middle of Satan's intestinal tract. This is generally about 40 miles south of your destination.

Oh, and one of the all time genius bits of evil perpetrated by whatever twisted kindergartener set these things up... NEVER take an exit if you can't see the next onramp from where you're turning. It can take you a good hour to find your way back to the road.

I do have one consolation, however. It seems in the last few years, traffic circles have been mysteriously showing up down here. I got used to them in New England, but people down here see one and lose their minds. I see folks in their cars, cussing and fretting, slowing down and driving a few extra circuits so they can take their exits without marring their expensive paint jobs. Having driven in New England for years where the things migrated from, i zip right through them and laugh at the confused, shiny people who look on them as the eleventh plague of Egypt. Ah, it warms my heart to see madmen thwarted by sheer common sense.

Lily Robertson, who is sticking with the PCH from now on, can be reached either at canopicjargon@gmail.com, on Facebook, or you can merge your comments onto this page right here where there is no preposterously placed stoplight.