Abercrombie & Flesh

Chapter 3, in which piglet offends the parents of prostitots...

Abercrombie Kids, as most of you know by now, has come out with a line of bikinis for the 8-12 set. They come with padded bikini tops. Because, well, every right thinking parent in the world wants their kid to look like little Heidi-Ho, yes?

Here’s what I don’t get. Moms are constantly raising their fists at the government for not sending door-to-door alerts that there’s a potential child molester in the neighborhood, then they rush out and buy their darling pre-deb clothes that would be appropriate for any dark street corner in a red light district. Yet, most of these broads have more sense than to hand-feed an antelope carcass to a lion. Maybe the sense of protection only kicks in when it’s directly related to their own bodies. When it comes to their daughters, I suppose they expect the police, teachers and other authority figures to do all the guard dog work.

Abercrombie Kids is well aware of this, and they’re capitalists who do their job well. Sales of these particular bikinis will probably net them a bundle. News shows are yelling that parents are outraged and want this line removed from the shelves. Well, the line probably will be removed from the shelves. Little girls will yell and scream that the other little girl down the street has a padded bikini and it’s not fair if they can’t have one, too. Then the moms will rush right out and buy them to keep their daughters fashionable. The line will be removed, complete with receipts and credit card statements.

What these moms really don’t want is to have to spend money on padded bikinis for grade school girls. What they just don’t seem to understand is that the best way to accomplish this is to remove the damn market for them. Don’t. Buy. Crap. Try to remember for once, just exactly which one is the child and which one is the parent.

The alternative is to shut the hell up. Either shut up about how Abercrombie Kids does business or shut up about pedophiles. This option has an astronomically high improbability factor because today’s moms (in general) would rather yell at a system or business than yell at their own kid. Whatever the problem is, it isn’t the mom’s fault, and it’s certainly not their precious little angel’s fault.

Two-piece bathing suits that are just cute rather than twisted attempts at sexy actually exist for little girls. Third-graders parading around as junior SI swimsuit issue models is just a little creepy. And frankly, it’s just plain mean to those who are genuinely trying to overcome a nasty, predatory predilection. Yes, I have compassion at the oddest moments, but anyone trying to better themselves gets a high rating on my list. I don’t imagine these same moms would think it was one bit cool to suddenly find out that they weren’t allowed to walk into an organic grocery store without taking home a double-fudge cupcake.

A few months ago the moms threw a fit about Walmart’s cosmetic line for tweens. Now they’re throwing a fit about the beach baby bimbo line. All I’m saying is that if they keep buying these things with the same exuberance they use to yell about them, next year they’ll be able to throw fits over a Victoria’s Secret cupid cup catalogue. And the hits will keep on coming.

Lily Robertson, who used to think the height of glamour was to go clomping around the house in her mom’s heels once in awhile, can be reached at canopicjargon@gmail.com, on Facebook, or you can over-expose your opinion right here.